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Useless Column: ‘I Am Not The Book’

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When I was a kid, I thought and did things like a kid. One day, I had to cut down a pawpaw tree in my father’s backyard garden just to get the fruit without thinking about tomorrow. Weytin concern me with tomorrow sef! The pawpaw was ripe but knowing I could not climb the tree, the solution was only one –cut down the tree and be free. But now that I have begun seeing grey hair in my armpit, I realised how f**lish I was!

It’s Fridayyyyyy and the men who have been using anointing oil as a lubricant with single innocent ladies nu, your prayers will be answered sooner or later. When those prayers are answered, please don’t attempt to ‘undo’ your ‘prayer points’ with some suggested remedial unorthodox medical actions. ‘You know, I have a wife already and so…’. ‘You know I am not ready so please’. Here comes the most ‘useless’ excuse: ‘How sure are you that I am the one responsible’?

The most dangerous ones are those who switch their phones off when the ‘undesirable good news’ is announced to them. You ‘poured’ the thing into a fertile container and don’t expect it to germinate? You can only be lucky especially if it is not HIV which is still a cool dangerous brother-man and like sugar in plain water, you cannot tell whether it is in there or not. No be every meat that should be eaten raw o!

Nowadays, when she ‘misses’ her monthly ‘thing’, she go born for you whether you accept responsibility or not. If you disown, that is when baby would look physically exactly like you and no need for DNA. The better option is to accept it though baby food is no longer that cheap unless ‘morli koko’. Even that one, you have to add tea bread and even tea bread is not for free.

Sin fascinates and assassinates even when it has to take 130 years! If all men are to confess at the shrines today, I am sure we would write our own books and put our names inside with a possible title: ‘The pawpaw tree I cut’. None of us human beings are saints, after all. Yea!

Here I quote some strong lines from Bruce Hornsby’s hit-maker, ‘The Show Goes on’:

What’s the long face, what’s all the crying for
Didn’t you expect it when you opened your door
To the man with the long coat, and the long list of victims
Everybody watching knows he’s the one keeping score

From where she sits, everyone stands in judgment
People watching as the curtain falls down
See the lights do a long slow fade

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The show goes on, and the sad-eyed sisters go walking on
Everyone watching all along
The show goes on
As the autumn’s coming and the summer’s all gone
Still without you, the show goes on

Some say she’s alright, some say she’ll never learn
Some rush into things, some stand and wait their turn
I’ve been here all along standing here all this time
But you never noticed, just let the same tired flames burn

Fast forward: From where she sits, everyone stands in judgement

Time is passing, slowly passing you by….and you keep on walking and they keep on talking…talking all along!

So, Bra Kofi, don’t judge him, don’t judge her, don’t judge me for you would never know what most people may be going through in one stage of their lives or the other.

‘Hello Kofi, please speak louder. I can’t hear you because there is a background in the noise’ Hello. Did you say ‘No problem’? ‘No problem, s3s3n?’ There is a problem o. Since last Sunday I see many of my male friends online even at 2 am! Only God knows what we are all thinking! Fear fear catch some of us! Hahahahahaha!

The ‘I am broke and have nothing to eat’ friends are on the line. Ablavi, respect yourself. Today is 23rd for everybody, not only you. Ah! It’s difficult to make friends these days. The next moment: “let me worry you small”. S3s3n? Ah! Because of that I changed my phone number but they managed to get the new one too. When running away from your known phone number, you haven’t done anything o; it’s only a matter of time and all the people you were avoiding will get the new number again and this time, they come with renewed energy” ‘Charlie, eeii…long time. You dey’? That is why it is important to register all SIM cards by now o.

Ei tomorrow, I will be attending the funeral of one of my former bosses, Uncle Mo at Madina. May his gentle soul rest in peace. I heard this before o and it looks like it’s true o; when you attend funerals in some villages in our part of the world, you don’t have to keep your alcoholic drink in your left hand. I learnt by so doing, you want to prove to the village folks that you are more powerful than them spiritually and they would try you spiritually. It happened to someone in my presence o; he took it disregarding the warning. He is still having running stomach ten days after the funeral! Respect our African religion too in spite of the new kid on the block. Africa we dey o, yoo! Remember we were the first to start wifi and skype though not documented!

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Did you know that in my village, a cow gives birth once in a year and a pig gives birth to as many as 16 or more in a year yet pig meat is scarcer than cow meat?

Ehern, that reminds me. I had a dream yesterday afternoon that there was a referendum as to whether we should legalise polygamy or not and on the day of voting, every man abandoned work to come and vote…even some side chicks formed a long queue to vote ‘YES’. Did you know that some side chicks wish you, sorry, I mean ‘we’ actually get married to them too? Ablavi has started addressing me: Nye Apetor’ (my husband). For where? Even one wife sef, man is choking, you say 2 or more. It is like like having tooth ache in 4 teeth! Ever had an experience with just one tooth giving you wahala?

So at the end of the dream, the results were announced, POLYGAMY or NO POLYGAMY and your guess is as good as mine. YES for Polygamy to be legalized so all these embarrassment about: ‘I’ve missed my period’ can be embraced without shame. The status quo is rather creating chains of sins’. First, you fornicate. Second, you do raw. Third you don’t want it so go and clear it. Forth, she attempts it and dies in the process. Fifth, you want to cover up and so find ways of not being linked to it at all (somebody’s daughter and future wife). Sixth, the law can deal with you if found out. Seventh, if she survives it, chances are that she may either be going through trauma for the most of the rest of her life or never be able to conceive again. Eighth, a generational gap is created. It goes on and on and on.

Let’s legalise polygamy so that men will feel proud saying: ‘yes, I am responsible for the baby’ and the ‘show goes on’. Hahahahaa! This would have saved men from all the excuses in the opening paragraphs of this abstract!

I know some people have started insulting me in their heads already. Those who support me are the ‘real’ men. All men are polygamists o except me. Hahahahaa! Ajeei! Thank God we are not in the days of Ananias and Saphira or else by now after saying this true lie….hmmm! God forbid! Officially all ‘responsible’ men have one but unofficially….uncountable! Na so! The irony here is that those ladies who migrate from being side chicks into wives suddenly condemn polygamy.

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That is selfishness o, or? But if you are a husband or something that looks like that and you want to officially marry more than one, then check their menstrual cycles and be sure they are not the same. That is if your motivation for having more ‘enjoyment’ is because of the distin. If not, abeg, just ‘eat by the way side’ like that secretly but make sure you use a ‘sanitiser’ or ‘bullet-proof’ things as the HIV and fertility rate among illegitimate relationships is very high. If you do this, you would sleep soundly.

It is only some of those men who are not ‘okay’ down there who may be insulting me in their heads right now otherwise all men excluding me are polygamists. In fact, we are the target market for aphrodisiac companies. But wait a minute… do you think those aphrodisiacs are used at home? Just bcos of GHC50 mobile money you gave that 24-year old innocent girl, you want to go and ‘punish’ her for nothing because you want to impress her and start having heart problems from the aphrodisiac intake? Go ahead and even start calling her ‘gold digger’ as if gold is sold at GHC50!

If you want to pour, pour it out or into a rubber. I don’t think it is good to ‘clear’. God will ask you to account for it. But let me end this with this question: between men and women, who hates to use condoms? Please don’t answer. Keep pouring; 13 years will soon come!

Have a nice weekend and remember ‘I am not the book’.



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